Insecurity and I.

"Everyday, I wish I could see you."

Recent events have very much made me insecure these days.

My boyfriend, my future, my happiness, my definition/perception of things and people around me... 
I haven't talked much to him. I didn't tell him that I felt our relationship was on the verge of ending. It was about to, only if he'd call me tonight. I am actually waiting for his call right now. 
Sooner or later, this has to happen...He tempts me, I love him so, but not enough for love...

MY future. Stressful job seeking. Endless questions. Endless excuses I make to myself, so much stupidity in me that I conform to everything. Can't stand up for anything, fall for everything, just as Katy Perry's new song tells me.

It pierces my heart. I feel like I did all this to tell myself something. Like stop being so. 
Only thing that really care about right now is him. I love him, and I think I really like him. But after reflecting on now (exactly 1 year passed by, as I am updating this blog), I did not love him.

But sometimes, just so often enough, he never calls me, never texts me, never really understands me either... I don't try enough, I feel unsure of my loving him, and he doesn't reassure me. I feel more in doubt if I ever really truly care about him. Then why did I choose him?

He is so different from me. I feel separated with him by a thousand miles apart. I can't take the pressure off everybody, my back is heavy with guilt, tears, and love...
It's just that I don't love him as much.. it's just that I may have just accepted him because he likes me. How can I be so diluted? How can I so unsure everytime? Did I always and will always be like this?

My future, my university years, my wasteful time, my lack of confidence, my lack of will, my lack of believing in myself...

Security, living in a shell, living like a protected bird, refusing to hunt refusing to go out, refusing to face the truth.

My time of turmoil. I must say I don't enjoy a bit of it. I wish I can hug him and cry. I wish he'd known how much I want to lean on his shoulder and listen to me. I wish he knew from a distance that all I need is just his understanding. Can you hear me baby?
I wish you were in front of me rather than I talk to myself. I loved you.
_________...._________....._________....__________....._________....________...______

This was my blog post exactly a year ago. Now you probably wonder what happened. So I broke up with him shortly after I consulted with a few of my acquaintances. I honestly can say, I added him to my 'ignore' list. I do not talk to him anymore, because it seems that is the only feasible way for post-breakup situations. I have remained single for about a year now. 

...  I can honestly say these words were half never told to him.... and yet this is the only way that I can reassure myself of feeling better. I did not tell you guys the full story, but basically my recent ex- was of different race/and background. This added to much complexity, and I have refused a few who did not seem to fit into my standard (physical features, race, personality, personal background/struggles, etc). I see that I have felt greatly back then, and I have tried to love the one I was with. I did not feel right at any moment whatsoever.. 

Being here taught me one thing. That no one cannot justified of their feelings, and that no one cannot judge them, despite the society's set-standards. I have to say, I am a person with no strong attachments and often very convinced by people around me...... 
And that is probably why I chose people who did not have a great similarity or rather a great potential for each other. I convinced myself.