Today is my first post not intended for Classic novels readers, it would just be a post about my personal life. It may be a bit melodramatic, as it happens to be at this point of my life. Stay here if you are still interested.
Sometimes, and often these days, I dream of being chased and getting caught by others, as if I have done guilty things (I heard that this is often the common theme of our dreams). Mellow, subsided feelings overwhelm me after waking up, and I say to myself, "Is this how it's going to be like the whole day?" Even as I get out of the house, I am distracted; I don't know which way to look, walk and feel, and I constantly think about him.
Yes, it was always him who appeared in my dream. No matter what, I see him everywhere. It is like being chased by him. He gazed into me, pierced my heart and then told me that he loved me. Sure, I said, that's be together. But... sometimes he changes his appearance. I see a different 'him' approaching me and I imagine him being happy with me. I feel guilty, I feel like I love him, too, who do I love more? I sip a mouthful of coffee, and think about them throughout my days.
So many things have been done. He kissed me, made me feel like I was the only one for him, then left me. A hollowness feels my heart, so I find someone else to fill it. For the sake of being filled. At times, I think I truly love this other person. He opens up, kisses me, then I feel almost complete. Now, I'm looking to stop loving because I feel okay. Back to normal... playing with someone's heart. I feel that he likes me but I'm not sure. I bring extra happy aura with me and he thought he loved me for that... stupid of me.
I regret right away, but cannot help myself. He approaches me, kisses me intensely but not willing to become my boyfriend. I don't want that. No, I'm confused because you are so different from me.
I see the ending, I dream it, I hope for it but never tells him. I hope I'll do it. Darling why can't you see that I need more love from you?
I don't know why I keep thinking about him. Do you believe that I may perhaps love him?
Not necessarily. I keep telling myself the only reason I cannot forget him is because he used to like me and vice versa. I told myself to stop being a silly girl. My days revolve around an imaginary figure who doesn't even look at me or think about me. Sometimes I feel sad, sometimes I feel tired. I don't want to chase something invisible. I wish I could talk to him... reach out to him and perhaps re-do the dream. But that would not be wise. Do you think I should tell him how I feel? Even if my feelings change on a daily basis?
One day I thought I could love him forever, the other day I give up on him entirely.
I feel weak and think that I cannot love anyone anymore. True love, does it exist?
The reason why I'm saying these is because I want to tell myself to stop dreaming and live your dream.
Why can't I kiss him and tell him that I love him just because I expect to break up with him later in life?
Why can't I tell him I am sorry and I wish him happy just because I already broke his heart?
Why can't I cry like a baby when I told myself I will be fine because I won't be?
Why can't I just let myself be who I am just because I hate things about me?
Why can't I just live my life for me when I am told by others to live in a certain way?
Why.. just why can't I make it a reality when I know I can? Why don't I tell him that he doesn't make me happy? I thought I could forget him, forgive him, love him again...
This is my honest feelings that I wish I'd tell you. I wish I'd told you I love you before I told you goodbye. I want to cry on your shoulders if only I had trusted you enough.
That's all I have to say. For now.
_________......____________......____________.....____________.....___________....__________
As I felt these things that were so real, why did I not pursue them and actually told the other person?
As an update (a year passed by since I first wrote this blog), I never told him, and he has a girlfriend ever since. I can honestly say I am not very sad about that. Because I never desired his good opinion of me... How could I when I hardly know him myself? I think insecurities ate me up, and gulled me entirely and I do not complain about that.. I wish whoever that I know to be happy, and I sincerely hope so!
I am happy that I can gladly say that I believe in Jesus Christ, and our Father in heaven. The bible has taught me to love my neighbours, friends, enemies, families, strangers.... It would be hard at first, but I am starting to get used to this life. Full of love.
I can't help it, but feeling like this 'melodramatic, maniac' person obsessed with own self. Sometimes, I do wish to tell everyone. What is to love someone? I think I did once.. but pure love was something that I dreamt of nor wished for a long time ago, because my social perceptions spoiled and faded away. But I think as long as I keep myself around love, I will not be around the evil. I do hope that I won't.
It's these kinds of things like helping another for direction, that makes me happy, and I do wish to continue doing good to others.
I hope whoever you are reading this, is blessed with happiness in your soul. That's really all that matters. And whoever celebrating this halloween, I hope you have a Happy Halloween! (and I do not mean anything religious about this - it's simply my dad's birthday).
_________......____________......____________.....____________.....___________....__________
As I felt these things that were so real, why did I not pursue them and actually told the other person?
As an update (a year passed by since I first wrote this blog), I never told him, and he has a girlfriend ever since. I can honestly say I am not very sad about that. Because I never desired his good opinion of me... How could I when I hardly know him myself? I think insecurities ate me up, and gulled me entirely and I do not complain about that.. I wish whoever that I know to be happy, and I sincerely hope so!
I am happy that I can gladly say that I believe in Jesus Christ, and our Father in heaven. The bible has taught me to love my neighbours, friends, enemies, families, strangers.... It would be hard at first, but I am starting to get used to this life. Full of love.
I can't help it, but feeling like this 'melodramatic, maniac' person obsessed with own self. Sometimes, I do wish to tell everyone. What is to love someone? I think I did once.. but pure love was something that I dreamt of nor wished for a long time ago, because my social perceptions spoiled and faded away. But I think as long as I keep myself around love, I will not be around the evil. I do hope that I won't.
It's these kinds of things like helping another for direction, that makes me happy, and I do wish to continue doing good to others.
I hope whoever you are reading this, is blessed with happiness in your soul. That's really all that matters. And whoever celebrating this halloween, I hope you have a Happy Halloween! (and I do not mean anything religious about this - it's simply my dad's birthday).
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