Insecurity and I.

"Everyday, I wish I could see you."

Recent events have very much made me insecure these days.

My boyfriend, my future, my happiness, my definition/perception of things and people around me... 
I haven't talked much to him. I didn't tell him that I felt our relationship was on the verge of ending. It was about to, only if he'd call me tonight. I am actually waiting for his call right now. 
Sooner or later, this has to happen...He tempts me, I love him so, but not enough for love...

MY future. Stressful job seeking. Endless questions. Endless excuses I make to myself, so much stupidity in me that I conform to everything. Can't stand up for anything, fall for everything, just as Katy Perry's new song tells me.

It pierces my heart. I feel like I did all this to tell myself something. Like stop being so. 
Only thing that really care about right now is him. I love him, and I think I really like him. But after reflecting on now (exactly 1 year passed by, as I am updating this blog), I did not love him.

But sometimes, just so often enough, he never calls me, never texts me, never really understands me either... I don't try enough, I feel unsure of my loving him, and he doesn't reassure me. I feel more in doubt if I ever really truly care about him. Then why did I choose him?

He is so different from me. I feel separated with him by a thousand miles apart. I can't take the pressure off everybody, my back is heavy with guilt, tears, and love...
It's just that I don't love him as much.. it's just that I may have just accepted him because he likes me. How can I be so diluted? How can I so unsure everytime? Did I always and will always be like this?

My future, my university years, my wasteful time, my lack of confidence, my lack of will, my lack of believing in myself...

Security, living in a shell, living like a protected bird, refusing to hunt refusing to go out, refusing to face the truth.

My time of turmoil. I must say I don't enjoy a bit of it. I wish I can hug him and cry. I wish he'd known how much I want to lean on his shoulder and listen to me. I wish he knew from a distance that all I need is just his understanding. Can you hear me baby?
I wish you were in front of me rather than I talk to myself. I loved you.
_________...._________....._________....__________....._________....________...______

This was my blog post exactly a year ago. Now you probably wonder what happened. So I broke up with him shortly after I consulted with a few of my acquaintances. I honestly can say, I added him to my 'ignore' list. I do not talk to him anymore, because it seems that is the only feasible way for post-breakup situations. I have remained single for about a year now. 

...  I can honestly say these words were half never told to him.... and yet this is the only way that I can reassure myself of feeling better. I did not tell you guys the full story, but basically my recent ex- was of different race/and background. This added to much complexity, and I have refused a few who did not seem to fit into my standard (physical features, race, personality, personal background/struggles, etc). I see that I have felt greatly back then, and I have tried to love the one I was with. I did not feel right at any moment whatsoever.. 

Being here taught me one thing. That no one cannot justified of their feelings, and that no one cannot judge them, despite the society's set-standards. I have to say, I am a person with no strong attachments and often very convinced by people around me...... 
And that is probably why I chose people who did not have a great similarity or rather a great potential for each other. I convinced myself.

He and I. Personal.

Welcome to the blog! 

Today is my first post not intended for Classic novels readers, it would just be a post about my personal life. It may be a bit melodramatic, as it happens to be at this point of my life. Stay here if you are still interested.

Sometimes, and often these days, I dream of being chased and getting caught by others, as if I have done guilty things (I heard that this is often the common theme of our dreams). Mellow, subsided feelings overwhelm me after waking up, and I say to myself, "Is this how it's going to be like the whole day?" Even as I get out of the house, I am distracted; I don't know which way to look, walk and feel, and I constantly think about him.

Yes, it was always him who appeared in my dream. No matter what, I see him everywhere. It is like being chased by him. He gazed into me, pierced my heart and then told me that he loved me. Sure, I said, that's be together. But... sometimes he changes his appearance. I see a different 'him' approaching me and I imagine him being happy with me. I feel guilty, I feel like I love him, too, who do I love more? I sip a mouthful of coffee, and think about them throughout my days. 

So many things have been done. He kissed me, made me feel like I was the only one for him, then left me. A hollowness feels my heart, so I find someone else to fill it. For the sake of being filled. At times, I think I truly love this other person. He opens up, kisses me, then I feel almost complete. Now, I'm looking to stop loving because I feel okay. Back to normal... playing with someone's heart. I feel that he likes me but I'm not sure. I bring extra happy aura with me and he thought he loved me for that... stupid of me. 

I regret right away, but cannot help myself. He approaches me, kisses me intensely but not willing to become my boyfriend. I don't want that. No, I'm confused because you are so different from me. 

I see the ending, I dream it, I hope for it but never tells him. I hope I'll do it. Darling why can't you see that I need more love from you?

I don't know why I keep thinking about him. Do you believe that I may perhaps love him?

Not necessarily. I keep telling myself the only reason I cannot forget him is because he used to like me and vice versa. I told myself to stop being a silly girl. My days revolve around an imaginary figure who doesn't even look at me or think about me. Sometimes I feel sad, sometimes I feel tired. I don't want to chase something invisible. I wish I could talk to him... reach out to him and perhaps re-do the dream. But that would not be wise. Do you think I should tell him how I feel? Even if my feelings change on a daily basis?

One day I thought I could love him forever, the other day I give up on him entirely.

I feel weak and think that I cannot love anyone anymore. True love, does it exist?

The reason why I'm saying these is because I want to tell myself to stop dreaming and live your dream. 

Why can't I kiss him and tell him that I love him just because I expect to break up with him later in life?

Why can't I tell him I am sorry and I wish him happy just because I already broke his heart?

Why can't I cry like a baby when I told myself I will be fine because I won't be?

Why can't I just let myself be who I am just because I hate things about me?

Why can't I just live my life for me when I am told by others to live in a certain way?

Why.. just why can't I make it a reality when I know I can? Why don't I tell him that he doesn't make me happy? I thought I could forget him, forgive him, love him again... 

This is my honest feelings that I wish I'd tell you. I wish I'd told you I love you before I told you goodbye. I want to cry on your shoulders if only I had trusted you enough. 

That's all I have to say. For now. 

_________......____________......____________.....____________.....___________....__________

As I felt these things that were so real, why did I not pursue them and actually told the other person?
As an update (a year passed by since I first wrote this blog), I never told him, and he has a girlfriend ever since. I can honestly say I am not very sad about that. Because I never desired his good opinion of me... How could I when I hardly know him myself? I think insecurities ate me up, and gulled me entirely and I do not complain about that.. I wish whoever that I know to be happy, and I sincerely hope so! 
I am happy that I can gladly say that I believe in Jesus Christ, and our Father in heaven. The bible has taught me to love my neighbours, friends, enemies, families, strangers.... It would be hard at first, but I am starting to get used to this life. Full of love. 

I can't help it, but feeling like this 'melodramatic, maniac' person obsessed with own self. Sometimes, I do wish to tell everyone. What is to love someone? I think I did once.. but pure love was something that I dreamt of nor wished for a long time ago, because my social perceptions spoiled and faded away. But I think as long as I keep myself around love, I will not be around the evil. I do hope that I won't.

It's these kinds of things like helping another for direction, that makes me happy, and I do wish to continue doing good to others. 

I hope whoever you are reading this, is blessed with happiness in your soul. That's really all that matters. And whoever celebrating this halloween, I hope you have a Happy Halloween! (and I do not mean anything religious about this - it's simply my dad's birthday).