5 Years

5 Years

I said, let's see each other in 5 years
I needed some change of air, a brand new me
I need time to think it over
but I didn't change much.
Still, was it just me
that lingers onto my memory,
or you too?

After 5 years, I thought things'd get better.
well, here I am, coming back to the same spot
and you don't seem to mind me at all
I just want to tell you how much I've missed you,
but where are you now?
To ask that question, I'd make a fool of myself
because perhaps you moved on.

5 years wasn't that long to pass.
What did I accomplish throughout that turmoiled period?
Was high school really just a teen-drama
that I fantasized? Have I completely gone mad?

Sometimes I ask myself,
was it really you that I've been missing, or just a piece of you
that I liked? 
A soft-hearted, gentle soul or just an ordinary person?
You've reached out to me several times, 
but I couldn't reply.
You knew why, you shouldn't have, and you still did.

Was it a taboo? was it others' perceptions?
I don't know why and how, but if you can relate to me at all,
I hope one day we'll meet on a Sunday afternoon on a sunny step somewhere in North York.
Perhaps at U of T, right outside of the library.
With all smiles and no tears.
I've built up enough of my imagination to have seen you a couple of time in the past. Am I truly mad?

5 years have already passed, but still I don't see you anywhere.
I have full of fear for you, and I don't think I can move.
I've been telling you that you were a real pain to me,
but now I'm obsessing over you.
Ironic how times just fly - 
Should I? Dare I?
Should you want me to?
My confidence is faltering, and I need someone to tell me to be in control of my life.

In 5 years, 5 years, why did I say 5 years?
Should you ever pass by me, I hope we will never greet each other.
Pretend we don't know each other.
Would you do that for me?
All smiles and good talks will get us some day, and I will screw us over again.
Did you know? I've cried more in my life for you than any other.
Whether you're here or on the other side of the world,
I hope you know that you are a good person.

Write it down!

Remember the time when the teacher shouts, "this is important so write it down!!!" Yeah, seems like I actually miss one of those days...

What happened to people being honest to each other? I honestly feel like a fake person when I am at school. For example, I would always try to hold my breath, be embarrassed by my own self (especially when it comes down to my digestive problems), and make myself feel like a loser by comparing myself to another. 

I struggled, and I learned my lesson, didn't I? 

A successful person would not even complain about what they need to do right now. That is why, I am not a successful person.

I want to say, in the near future, say in 5 years, that I achieve what my parents and my people want me to be. Basically being grounded and enter the societal circles, and etc. 

After that, is my freedom. You know how people say, live your life, this is your now, and there's not a moment to waste? 

Well, being a good person and being a professional, is vital to earthly life. So this is what I'm going to do, and it is important. 

You may mock me for who I am, but you know what, it is who I am. 

Now time to clear up my own questions! :) I'll be back 5 years later... and see what this blog has gotten to!

Thursday Struggles

Today, I have been wasting precious time on the Internet. I am addicted to celebrity gossips, animes and anything obscene. How do I get out of this bad habit and continue working on my priorities using my computer? 
...Perhaps many people struggle with this to some degree. I have decided to write it down as a reminder to myself, how much have I not tried to get out of it. This is one of my real problems I deal with. 
My thought adrift, my goals are inconcrete and my life is a mess. So that is why I want to set it right, right internet?
Even I cannot try to write anything down on pen and paper anymore. Would I quit paperback books? No se. 

Pain is good sometimes, and I am immature because I do not carry on the effort part. 

Pray .  

Café

Everyone wants to return to something comfortable, be it an object or a person. Well, here I am, at a cafe, observing a young couple and a little more mature couple, spending time together over a cup of coffee. 

I guess this is how it was supposed to be, not being able to stop the time that has been relentlessly passing by. Without even noticing, I was beginning to see a lot of overlapping images of my own from these couples' movements. They can be so much in love - I could see that one of them tried to adjust to her lover's point-of-view; and that it good, unless it was unnatural for both of them.

Much was silently ignored, because I knew if I ever did reply to that text message, I would be returning to my comfort zone, and perhaps, rekindle my past love. In that aspect, today reminds me of the Little Prince, one of my favourite childhood books until now… he did not return to his rose, and no one knows the ending between them. It is my earnest wish that I would rather not contact him again, because if I did, I may never feel the same about him. 

The fictional stories of love are meaningless. Movies and tv shows, they are all stories of other people. What purpose do they serve to my private life? I have no clue. If they taught me anything, it is that I cannot move on easily. Relationships are not to be taken granted for, because it is a two person love; I am not dating myself.

Things are so much more complicated in real life; the actual feelings I have towards a certain person, it does seem very improbable to forget him/her completely out of my mind. A small hint would trigger my memory again, especially the sad ones.

For my best friend's present, I would like to buy her a nice makeup tool, or something that she’d appreciate. It is already her birthday. I still have not decided yet, but I know I can buy a nice gift bag at Sears, and donate the proceeds to ones in need! I hope I could help those in need, while I also buy a pretty bag for my friend. Why? Well, today I helped two ladies on how to use a locker in my gym, and it made me feel proud of myself. 

Came Back to Where I Belong

I wonder if this is where I belong - to live in North America. 

I wonder if I came back to the right place, or I am just lost. Plainly lost my way, and I wonder if my feelings could be put into a poetry:

To the ground I stepped, I saw yonder the familiar tower above
I stared at it as long and hard as I could 
To the lights that welcomed me, or was it a cold stare?
Things were beginning to look clear as a daylight sky
But for anything that I desire, is this the right place for me?

The long journey has come to an end,
The end of everything that I never desired
Was it just me that felt this way, I wonder in my head
The real answer does not show until you really mean it
No matter what I really feel, No one would feel it the same way

Why did I choose this path? I really cannot answer.
I once thought true love was the answer
Until I saw people are the same - they are struggling to live.
Then it must mean my journey has not ended yet
Because if it did, what meanings do my life possess?

Someone once inspired me to say that
The present is the future, what has passed becomes the past.
My words would be a past one day, and my existence would
But for the harsh world, I now understand what legacy 
Could do for myself and the loved ones around me
What I cannot endure right now, is merely going to pass
That is what I hope to be happening
Because for these harsh words, I now understand what forgiveness
Could do for myself and for myself only.

Leaving and Leaving for Good. :)

Actually guys, 

I won't be back to blogging until January. As long as I'm in my home country, I'm planning not to use any type of social media, and minimize my internet use to absolute necessity.

I'm not here yet, but ya... :) I will miss the blogging, and I will be back more refreshed, more happy, more to offer. Perhaps I might even share my pictures with you here.

Love,

Inès

______**______**______**_____**______**______**______
So I totally lied about not coming back here until the New Year. I just want to say... I might have a crush on my best friend. Maybe it's love?!? Oh mon dieu... I was just talking to him via on-line chat, and I just felt like my heart was overflown with happiness.
I smile when he talks to me first. I overtype, while he sends moderate texts. Oh, what have I done?
Now I'm thinking of all these things that I can do/buy/send him while I visit the country.
One thing is for sure: I really, truly care about him.
What is this feeling that I feel like I've been suppressing on for the longest time? Yeah sure, we have been friends since grade 9. So... is that about 8 years now? Wow, time flies!
I have no idea if my head is working properly right now... is this what you would call a 'true love'?

Seems like I'm being punished now. It's a reverse act of love, if this is my true love.
My best friend liked me about three, four years ago, and had the guts to tell me that he liked me. And I was a cold-hearted girl (haha.. yeah I know it's simplified, since I cannot say I was a cold-hearted b****, I don't want my younger readers to read inappropriate words...), and I acted so cruelly to my tender-hearted friend...
I cannot even ask him to forgive me for my stupid behaviours. But I do wish I can start over with him. At least, could he forget all my badness and seriously look at me as a 'girl,' not just as a friend?

He has a girlfriend, and I cannot ask him to choose me over her...
But... if he becomes single one day, could I ask him to be with me?
I have nothing to offer at the moment right now, but hopefully I can become a better person in the near future. That means my attitude has to change first. 

I hope my heart could somehow be readable to him. I hope that he sees in me the pure, innocent love for him.

Until we meet after all these years that we have never met, I will always pray for the happiness and good health for him.

Au revoir,

Inès

How to Stop My Bad Mood Cycle?

Before I begin writing this blog post, I have to admit: My title seems legitimately like a random google search title. Seriously. Haha, but this is what I truly want to talk about!

These days, I know, and am sure, people are struggling with their own lives. To make the most out of it. Or perhaps you are searching for your inner dreams and soul. Whatever the reason is, you came far to search this and reading this blog.

Sometimes, I am hurt inside too much. I think to myself, how am I bearing it all? Honestly, being in the 20s sucks. Don't you think so? But then I thought, well in my 30s and 40s, I'd probably feel more awful. You know why? Because my people relationships are going down. I'm in a bad mood. 

Yeah, hence, the title, how to stop this cycle and escape from reality, or rather my own miserable life?

Sometime, I envy those with perfect teeth, perfect face, or perfect brains; sometimes, a perfect personality. It is all relative to you - what you don't have is what you envy of others.

So I thought. Well, simply I can quit this life. And then the second after, I think I have had too much alcohol, and listened to too many sad songs. I cannot believe myself to be sick, and I don't think I am. I am a normal human being. Facebook legitimately makes me feel bad when I am not happy. It shows and carries happy and sad life events of my friends (or whoever else that shows up on my newsfeed), and it really, really makes me sad. Why? no matter what occasion, I am sad that I cannot be a part of it - what seems so stupid and small, I'd still be jealous of them.

So I am going to promise myself to stop looking at these news. All these news about celebrity, too. Do I actually care that whoever dated the other or cheated on someone else, really affects my real life? To be more concise, they don't care about me as much as I do about their lives - so why bother?

Only a week left till I leave this miserable place, but is it really the location that I am in that makes me in a bad mood? Or, my family? friends? To think it over, I think I just lost another friendship - and thinking about that person really pisses me off. Hence, I won't talk about him.

Good night to you all, and whatever that makes you in a bad mood, just kick them out of your lives.

If you physically can't, at least you can do it mentally. I find drawing and kicking their ass on the paper really helps. Stick figures would do. 

Someone once said, if you have a sail and a wind (for the boat), you can go anywhere you dreamt of.

Why not spread your dreams onto a piece of paper and a pen? You know reading those useless newspapers or watching TV shows or listening to your favourite song won't help. Why don't you jot down something on your paper notepad, instead of that stupid computer? That way, you feel the calmness of your soul. Worry less about others. Focus on your breathing. Go less mobile, go paper-based. :)